I was in my son’s room after he died. I broke in tears and fell to my knees. I kept one hand up on the dresser hanging on. I wept and wept!
I felt someone touch my hand. I quickly rose to my feet at the same time as spinning around to see who was in the room. I felt a touch on my neck/shoulder in the spot JC would tickle me where I couldn’t move, I didn’t see anyone, nobody was there. all I could see is the word EVERLAST written on your punching bag. He touched my hand and that spot I know he did.
Later~ I am on the phone with my daughter telling her about the touches.
She asks me to get something from the garage for her, a planter for her. I go. I didn’t really want to go in the garage but I did for her.
I had an extreme extreme PTSD occurrence once in the garage. I don’t even remember what my thoughts were. I throw my back to the wall while shouting out NO over and over and over and run out.
Once out I realize I am holding a book that I remember picking up during the PTSD occurrence. (Weird) It’s a book that is book marked by a small piece of paper. I open it where it is book marked it says, “mom’s touch” at the top of the page.
I was in shock for a moment, then awe, then speechless, then excited beyond all because I know I was touched, I know who touched me, I know what happen in the garage during retaining the book. I know who’s book it was. I felt him touch me once on top of the hand, I felt him touch me in that spot of my neck where he would tickle me to a paralyzing state while I begged for help on the fun times.
This book was a book I bought for my son, JC. It is called, “Little Boys Bible”.
My son still exist out there or that wouldn’t have happened. I picked up the book in the garage in the exact spot that I remember him laying.
I think God allowed my son a sign to me so I could actually have an ounce of comfort. If it wasn’t God himself it only could have been my son who touched me. He still exists somewhere and I believe that to be in Heaven with all my heart. a place so perfect and marvelous we can’t even begin to fathom. I have to be proud of my son for that. I ain’t proud how he got there, I ain’t done blaming every confusing evil thing he heard or seen on earth before he was even out of my womb that will stay with me for a lifetime probably my punishment and his blessing, but I am definitely proud to have a son in Heaven.
Heaven changed the day he arrived. I know he convinced Jesus of something.
Perhaps 1 extra ticket to send a sign from Heaven...I don’t know what, but I knew him...and I predict that~
You gotta understand his soul was that great~
I predict God placed him with a job that has something to do with Love, something very important.
This took years to get here, but
I don’t want to think about what he would of been on earth if he was still living on earth because he’s not. His stupid irrational decision got him a ticket to Heaven. My son isn’t dead to me, he just isn’t here anymore. I have received signs, I believe JC sent to me to why he did this. I whispered in his ear I want to know why you did this. I believe my answer was the word
“Irrational”. It was days after his death. It was a dream like no other
It wasn’t even what I would consider a dream it was more a loud sound slapping in my face a Boulder with the word “irrational” that’s it. Right before I opened my eyes. I never experienced anything like it before or again. Like a rock hitting my face with a loud thump. Louder than a train just so strong thumpy loudy!
Your death taught me many things, the biggest one is learning where my soul lives within my body, because that is where the agonizing pain starts as it moves over my body during an almost quiver at just the thought of my son dead. I learned PTSD symptoms are real. I learned the true feeling of being separated from God which is a human’s first punishment as sin...I felt the pain. it was the most brutal physiological and physical pain I ever felt or will (I hope) I ever endure, looking up into the sky as you feel this brutal pain being separated from God when you didn’t want to be...I have true hatred for that separation and I don’t even know if another soul out their even understands that feeling. Or has ever endured the physical and physiological pain it lasted for about a minute but It was at that moment I learned something for the first time as a Christian. I didn’t know those feelings could exist. I didn’t even know it was possible.
My son still exists somewhere
(I believe in Heaven) but I spend time
Wondering how magnificent his days are. I spend time wondering how he enjoys spending time with family up there. I spend time wondering how
his soul learned things he didn’t know before. I spend time thinking about him dancing with my grandma. I spend time realizing how I am such a proud mother of my kids even death can’t stop me from being proud. My son is in the presence of God, many of my loved ones, he is seeing Gods glory, something that would make us here on earth explode with the sight and feeling. I think about the movie “IRON GIANT”, JC purchased and it wasn’t open yet.
The last line in the movie said, don’t follow me” Sometimes I think he took his life in hopes it would put his father and I back together or keep us apart, as to sacrifice himself like the robot in the iron giant. I haven’t opened the movie yet and I doubt I ever will.
JC blamed himself for our divorce I know that as fact. He was the one going through feelings like someone had died. Because to him, it felt like A death. I didn’t think I would make it out of my sons death alive, and I probably wouldn’t have, without my husband. But I am a suicide survivor!!!
I am still going to be proud of my son imagining what he’s doing in Heaven.
It helped watching a lot of people being “born different” Facebook videos. It helps you see that your life could be worse. I didn’t choose my son to live in Heaven, I didn’t choose for him to not be on earth and I can’t change it. But what I can do is be proud of the situation I am faced with~ as it looks I have to wait a long time before I see him again. But now, I can stand on a roof top and brag I have a son in Heaven doing heavenly things. He isn’t dead to me anymore ~ just relocated< oh do I miss him every day. Oh do I remember our fights! Oh do I remember is smiling face!!! He is my baby:) I learned how to be thankful I got 16 years to know his charming soul!!! I could have only had 15 or 14 or worse...My son was an actor and a good one. You should have seen him act like a attorney in court, he blew me away with shock, I didn’t expect it. I wondered how many movies he watched prior lol. I promoted my son in acting and was proud to hear him state he wanted a career in acting and to go to school for it. I was so proud of him and he knew it!
If I could go back in time I wouldn’t have NEVER let him see the evil television and movies Instill in a brain EVER!
I wouldn’t have even owned a television, that is something I truly never thought I would think. That child seen evil and heard evil. His dad and I fight, his friends, his family, Video games ect...but then the thought crosses my mind wishing him back, wishing he was here, but then I feel guilty for thinking that because of where he is now. Like what mother would desire to truly pull her child from Heaven. I feel it as a punishment but sometimes think will I get to Heaven someday and learn it was a blessing in disguise.
I mean it wasn’t easy dealing with him being irrational a lot! He drank dish soap in school, drank someone’s pee, i was trying to help him. I was alone most times trying to reason with him.
He was fighting with everyone except his father when he took his own life.
He was angry at me, he was angry at his brother, he was angry at his sister, he was angry at his grandma, he was angry at his best friend. He was angry at Dan. If he seen me on the phone with his father he would attack me. He was trying to chop trees down in the yard. He was destroying things in my truck, and in the house. He stated to me out of anger that he was an alcoholic!!!! Was my 16 year old baby an alcoholic? Was he suffering with the pain from not having alcohol? I do know he got so desperate for alcohol he actually once asked me to buy it for him. I am allergic to alcohol. It could have effected him differently!!!
He had a high alcohol content when he took his own life. I found bottles about hidden. I honestly feel he was an alcoholic like he claimed.
He was starring in a play as Peter Pan and some other awesome rolls for drama. He was pulling good grades.
He liked a girl and asked advise to me on how to get the girl.
To be continued:
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Alex my dear son, 
Two years without you~ They weren't easy, I almost died! but I didn't die, like I told you I would... if something happen to you.